To the man I tried to love, but simply couldn’t

Stop thinking too much, I am talking about you. Yes, you – the one I simply could not love even after trying ever so desperately to think of you as the one.

Should I be apologetic about it? I don’t know. I don’t know because, I am not apologetic about it.

We all try to do so many things and we barely succeed in half of them, I count trying to love you as one of my failures. I do not cherish failing to love you, at all, because it earned me a whole lot of discredit in the circles that we socialise in – you and I.

You were good to me till you saw hope in me – hope that someday I may be able to reciprocate whatever it is that my presence made you feel. But, boy did you change when you realised that I meant it when I said “I can’t do this. Not anymore.”

I had my reasons but everyone else, including you seemed to give so much shit about your emotions that people forgot to consider mine. This article is not a blame game – this article is a little page full of facts.

The rejected one deserves more sympathy, apathy, attention and trust – that is how its always been and it was not different for us. You were on that end of the see-saw – I sat on the other end watching you go down to earth with all your supporters trying to help you reach a smooth landing and as you left the see-saw, I fell on the ground with a thud.

I had to get back up and dust the dirt off my scraped and bloody knees. I stood up on my own as things including “bitch”, “heartless”, “slut”, “lesbian whore”, “asshole” and a plethora of other adjectives were chucked at me to injure my body and they hit me like a ton of bricks.

All of that happened to me because I did not wish to lead you on and for being honest about my emotions and my feelings.

I lost friends, I made more enemies and people who are stranger to me and family to you started to look at me with a burning hate in their eyes. I have faced it and more.

I have even faced threats, you know what I am talking about, and so does everyone who walked upto me and passed on threat messages to me announced by you.

Our professors taught us gender bias and gender norms and I became a self explanatory example of how when a woman rejects a man – she becomes an evil soul overnight but when a man gets drunk and discusses an ex lover with his group of friends using derogatory terms, “it is all fun and jokes”.

I can almost feel your eyes blinking rapidly at this article as you realise how I know most of the things that have been said about me and yet, I have done nothing to you. Never pointed a finger at you. Never confronted you to save you trouble.

I am not going easy or ‘feminine’ on you, my friend. This is called being a little more mature and knowing that when comments are passed, they must be allowed to fly away because the more they are discussed, the more they turn to concrete.

A word of advice, do not do this to the next girl who rejects you. Chances are, if she’s holding a cigarette she’ll stub it on you – else she will stab you.

 

 

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